Just need to die now

I think it's safe to say I have heart disease. Every morning I take my blood pressure. And it is consistantly getting higher over the past year. It now sits at about 160/105 all the time now. But in the morning it can climb to over 200.

I desperately need health care 

I looked up what it means for you systolic pressure to remain over 100 all the time now and it said:

A consistent diastolic blood pressure reading above 100 mmHg is considered Stage 2 hypertension and should be addressed by a healthcare professiona. This significantly increases your risk of serious condiotions like heart attack, stroke, and kidney disease.

From what I can read, I am in the 2nd stage of heart disease. I need a doctor for stable, consistent care. Walk-ins and ER visits are not going to cut it. This society won't allow me to go through MAiDs (Medical assistence in dying) but it's ok to allow me to languish and suffer with heart disease with no doctor or health care,..???

NOT FAIR,... not going to do what society says I need to do which is SUFFER. Instead,... I stick to my original plan. If no doctor and no move out of this building happens by spring,...(which is when my will and final plans will be paid for) I won't need to wait to die from a heart attack - I will end if myself.

HOW DARE this society FORCE ME to suffer in pain YET WON'T GIVE ME A DOCTOR,.... So fuck you I do things my way as I have had to do most of my adult life. ALONE. I refuse to live in pain ~ suffering because our government has fucked up our health care. NOT MY FAULT so I refuse to suffer in the consequences. You don't want me to kill myself??? Then get me some health care. If you can't,.... then you can't force me to stick around and suffer,....

I always feel weak,... tired,... I just can't keep up anymore. So I know something is wrong. I have known for over a year now. When your blood pressure's AVERAGE reading is 165/110 ~ your DYING. I may not stroke out or have a heart attack today ~ but it's coming,....

I am also in so much pain I cannot bear it anymore. I think my hands were broken and never healed properly and now everything is just a mangled mess leaving me unable to use my hands. 

You can't get by without the use of your hands ~ it's immpossible.

Roll on heart attack,... 

Roll on death,...

Because life is just too painful right now and with no doctor I can't bear it anymore,... I literally just sit here and cry in pain now,.... torture.

So roll on relief,....

Roll on DYING!!!!!!!

Pain is absolutely unbearable today

Today has not been a good day. The pain has become overwhelming and I just can't take it anymore. Every move I make causes a sharp pain,... I couldn't even get the tin of cat food open this morning as pulling the tab was just too painful. I had to feed them dry food. I can't squeeze the toothpaste tube,.. I can't brush my hair,... I can't take care of myself anymore,... I have literally come to the day where I can't take care of myself anymore,...

I need help,...

I have done nothing but break down all morning. I can't stop crying,... I can't cope with the pain,....

I feel so alone

Please make the pain stop,....

I don't want to be here anymore,....

Difficult time of year

 

My eldest daughter at her Grandma & Grandpa's house with her buddies Paisley & Amber

Me with my two daughters at my Mom's house during the Christmas holidays

Christmas is just a few weeks away now. But I have planned nothing. No decorations, no meal plan,... because around here Christmas is just a time for sad reflection and missing loved ones. I don't put up decorations, as it's just a reminder to me of all the celebrations I am missing. So Christmas will be just another Thursday for me.

A mother can never forget her children. I had my girls until they were 9 and 12. And I consider that a gift I will cherish always. I spent nearly every waking hours with those girls and they mean more to me than life itself. 

I don't have anymore pictures of my past. The hard copies are all at their fathers house and the digitals I lost in a computer crash. I got some back through Facebook having them but these are the only 2 Christmas photos I have of my past. All I have are my memories now.

And even though I try very hard to pretend December 25th is just another day,... the smells in my building of turkey dinners remind me of what I am missing.

I am missing my granddaughter. I didn't know you could miss someone you have never even met. But it's the memories of Christmas's with my own girls that makes my heart weep for my granddaughter. I am missing so much. Too much.

I hate this time of year. November 29th is the birthday of the twins, and from there on in it's just a build up of Christmas, Christmas, everywhere!!!! You can't escape it. Even as a recluse who never leaves my apartment it is still in my face everywhere I turn. Every show and newscast shoves it down my throat. Or at least thats how it feels for someone who dreads it.

Christmas is a difficult time of year.

                            ******************************

If someone knows this place, please pick me up and bring me there as I can't think of a better place I would like to be than in a cabin in the woods with my kittens on Christmas morning. Now THAT would be a gift I would be grateful for,....

Ontario Housing did it again

So disappointed in housing again,....

I opened my door to find yet another memo in my mail slot. We seem to get them a couple of times a month. memoes telling us things we are doing wrong and we better smarten up,.... (Is this prison?)

Todays memo,...

We are no longer allowed to leave stuff in the common room. Now this may not sound like a big deal but to the poor in this building that can't always get food it will stop them from getting it. Other people in this building put out food and clothes to give away for free to the other folk in this buillding that need it. We have been doing this un-officially for the 9 years I have lived here. But some KAREN must have complained and now we are not allowed to leave stuff in there anymore. And if we do,.... they will dispose of it. So let me get this straight, Housing would rather THROW OUT FOOD than allow the poor to use it ~ who need it. THAT is ridiculous. Someone is going to GO HUNGRY because Housing threw FOOD IN THE TRASH!!! rather than do good and help,..... I dont' get how they operate,... I really dont. It really does feel as if they hate us and are working to do everything they can to make our lives harder than it already is,....

I called the woman who wrote the memo at Ontario Housing. The SAME woman that treatened me with eviction. I left a message on her phone. (she never seems to pickup when I call so I had to leave a message hmmmmm) I was very careful to sound calm,... not raise my voice or swear,... and I told her that she is removing something people in this building COUNT ON. The last thing I said was this is so typical of housing,... you cater to the KARENS who complain but dont' even ask how the rest of us feel,... just take away something we have been doing for 9 years because someone didn't like looking at it and complained. What harm is some food and clothes sitting out with a free sign doing to anyone,...???? NOTHING!  No harm at all infact it was doing a lot of good. It was literally a KAREN - who had nothing better to do than tattle and ruin it for the rest of us. 

But this proves Housing just takes complaints and writes up memos without even investigating.

We are given these NO MORE DOING THIS ALLOWED memos all the time,.... do they not have anythign better to do than work AGAINST the poor tenants in this building????? They are so into their rules and regulations that they can't see the actual NEED of the poor in this building. Food and clothes!!!!!

I myself have taken food from the common room when desperate. Now that opportunity is gone because of one fucking KAREN! That housing catered to,.... again,....

Instead of learning what is going on in this building,... they steer clear and rely on the tatlling of KARENS. I have been a victim of this for years with Tonya. She tells them lies,... they believe,... they don't even contact me let alone ask me my version,... they then just punish,....

They have far too much power and the treat us like a bunch of kids living in a dorm,...

This is my home but the rules and regulations keep me miserable here,....

I wish the employees of Ontario Housing should have to spend ONE MONTH in my apartment living on an ODSP salary,... so they can see what REALLY goes on in this building. But they dont' want to know as that would cause work for them,... better to just take the karens tattling at face value and put it in a memo so we never have to go to the building ourselves. 

They don't see us tenants as in need. They see us as people who should just shut up and be grateful they gave us an apartment in the first place,....

No thanks,... I'd rather be dead than live here anymore.

And that is being arranged,.....

FUCK YOU Ontairo Housing for treating all of us the same as your WORST tenant. To you - we are ALL lowlife scum that just needs to be kept in line. Rules, rules, rules,.... you can't even fart in this building without a KAREN tattling on you

No wonder Brianne left,... she is the woman who bent over backwards to FIGHT housing to allow me to move back,... but she left. And I'm pretty sure I know why. Because she has a heart and was in the job to HELP people and she wouldn't have been allowed to do that in her job with Ontario Housing. She probobly got tired of the walls she faced preventing her from actually doing good for people, and left for a job where she was ALLOWED to help the poor. 

Ontario Housing keeps us in line with threats,..... THAT is not a nice way to live,.... If I'm not out of here by spring then DEATH will be the only option as I REFUSE to live in this building. I would literally rather DIE!

and I'm working on that,....

Stress is slowly killing me

For anyone who knows about blood pressure, looking at this reading has probobly made you do a double take. For those not aware,... a normal adult bp is 120/80. This has my systolic reading nearly DOUBLE. This is an emergency reading,.... but I will NOT call 911. 

Roll on DEATH!

This is all stress. I am only 62. If things were better for me I could be happy living another 25 years. But I am miserable living in this building. I will NEVER have a life staying in this building. I can't even leave my unit for the bullying,.... it has made me a recluse in these four walls and I can't take it anymore,..... 

Yet,... over the past year I have tried everything to escape this building but in the end I was just scammed and lost everything. I have had to rebuild everything since then.

I will die living here,... look at that blood pressure,.... I NEED to get out of here.

I am almost done with my end of life care. I just have to go into town and get a cheque made out to them to pay for it. In the end it has cost me $15,000.00 to buy a plot and a headstone. It was another $2000 for the pre-paid cremation. I did not even include a funeral in all of that and it has come out to nearly $20,000 with all the small incidentals on top. 

This does not even include a FUNERAL ~ just the burial.

If I hadn't been hit by a car and got a small settlement,... I would be too poor to die. But instead I have taken my money and spent it all on my end of life care.

Who knew it cost $20,000 just to get buried. 

But,... I don't complain. I couldn't use the money on anything else as noone would rent to me to give me a better life. And knowing I can't escape this building I decided I would rather die than continue living. So I choose to waste the money on my death.

But I am glad of what I am doing. Bringing the four Holyoak/Dyer/Ball women back together again. if only in eternity,... THAT I will never regret.

So today I sit here,... hoping my blood pressure causes me to have a fatal heart attack so I can finally be at PEACE.

If someone would just take a chance on me and rent me a place,... life could be good again,.... but noone will take a chance on me,.....

Sadness so deep I can't endure

I was out doing my laps yesterday. I ran into two women I knew sitting in the hall chatting. One commented "You look tired,..." I wouldn't disagree with her. I told her it was the new kittens getting up so early, smiled and moved on. But thats not true. The kittens haven't caused me any problems at all. The problem is not them,... it's stress. I am so miserable I have aged a great deal. I don't even know if my own children would recognize me right now. I look old,... tired,... stressed. All the hacking,... the harrassment form Tonya,... I just can't take it anymore ~ and I guess it shows.

I am NOT the person I used to be,..... 

(This was not written by me but found on Facebook)

Once a heart becomes too heavy with pain, it doesn’t cry anymore. It goes silent. Not because the hurt is less, but because there are no tears left to fall.

People stop explaining how broken they feel. They stop sharing their struggles. They stop hoping anyone will truly understand. They smile when they need to. They stay quiet when they are drowning inside. And they carry their sadness alone, like a storm trapped in their chest that never finds its way out.

Silence becomes their armor not because they are strong, but because they are tired of feeling unheard, unseen, and misunderstood. So they sit with the ache, day after day, holding pieces of themselves together, whispering prayers that one day the pain will soften, that breathing will feel lighter again, that living won’t hurt this much.
Your heart feels heavy right now, please know this you are not alone. Your silence is not weakness. It is the language of someone who has endured too much for too long. Even if you feel invisible, even if no one notices how hard you’re trying… your heart is still beating. And that alone is an act of bravery. Hold on, even if it’s only by a fragile thread. Your story is not over yet. Somewhere, someone cares more deeply than you could ever imagine.
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I don't agree that somewhere, someone cares more deeply than you could ever imagine,.... but,... it does explain my deep lonliness and sadness,....... and I just don't want to endure this anymore,.....

Roll on Spring as I can barely wait until then

 Another cold and frosty day. Minus 12*. Another day stuck inside.

Yesterday went downhill fast. I had a hacker in my Disney Plus and other streaming sites. It took hours of phone calls but in the end it got sorted out. I completely cancelled and deleted ALL of them and with the help of their customer service, I re-opened them under a completely different NEW email. All with passwords of just random key strokes. No identifying info in them at all,... just random lettersm numbers. 

I thought it was all good.

However, I went to open my YouTube and found someone has been in there too. I checked the history of videos watched and it was all anime and asian shit. (????) NOTHING I would ever watch. YouTube is directly connected to Google so it looks like it was my Google account that got hacked. I had to call Google. Have you ever tried to find a phone number for Google? There isn't one,....

I had to call the police again.

They agreed I have been hacked. They showed me how to do a deep forensics on how, who and where,.... I had no idea you can check all the log ins that have ever happened. It says what device logged in and when. And this person has been very, very busy. They think he/she was trying to take over my google. Waiting to change the passwords once they got in. Luckily I had just changed it a few days ago. The police showed me how to go in and log everyone out of every session  on every device and THEN change all the passwords. This took me three hours!

But again now I have all new accounts under new emails and new passwords. 

But the best bit,... the police are now keeping an eye on everything. They have set it up so we can see instantly the minute someone logs in that shouldn't have. I now have ALERTS that have been installed by their virus protection. I even bought a second virus protector on top of the one I already have.

Now, they say if anyone gets into any of my sites now,... they have remote access to my laptop somehow and THAT is a very scary thought. We never found out WHO, but we do have their device and location. We are just waiting for them to try and log in again so we can catch them,...

My life is hard already. To have someone single me out to intentionally cause me stress and problems is so low. If I had a life on top of this I could balance it out and say at least I have my family, etc,... but I can't say that. Becasue I have no one. So THIS on top of my miserable life? Has just made me more determined to end it.

I have somehow become someones project. An annonymous person has singled me out and has made it theri mission to upset me. Well to whoever you are??? Go ahead,... I have had enough and I won't be around much longer anyway. BECAUSE of this witch hunt,.... I am not living,... I am hiding from being attacked by an invisable entity.

It's stressful,... it's frustrating,... and I am at my end with it all. I will never understand the need to hurt other people,.... in anonymity. They must feel so big and powerful behind that keyboard. But WHY?

Well, it will all be over soon anyway,.... roll on spring. This is not a life,... this is lingering in emptiness and being targeted while you wait to die. NOT FUN AT ALL and I the only way I know to get ALL of this to stop is to die.

You can't harrass a dead person

I don't know who you are or why you are doing this,... but do you really want a DEATH on your sonscionce??? Because I will be dead by spring and then who will you have to harrass???????

I'm just a recluse nobody wants or likes and on top of that I have to deal with assholes and hackers,... Not COOL! And I have definitely HAD ENOUGH!!!!!