When I moved into Ontario Housing nearly ten years ago,... I was happy. Optomistic. I was a Christian.

Now

I don't even believe in God anymore

and I'm miserable

I will die before being evicted

 I don't think anyone

will ever understand

How having your housing 

used as collateral

is so humiliating

I am a grown woman 

yet some person at a desk

can make me homeless 

becasue she can,....

Noone will every understand 

the stress and anxiety 

that creates

I

NEVER

FEEL

SAFE

When is this world

 going to stop punishing the poor

 with the threat of their housing?????

It's cruel and inhumane 

and I just can't do it anymore

You want me evicted

fine

I WILL GO

but I will die 

before being evicted

Ontario Houosing is so petty and i am going to be homeless

 I have lost my faith in humanity. Today is a perfect example of how Ontario Housing is more concerned for it's employees (whether they are right or wrong) than they care about their tenants.

I did something very simple that I never thought would come back to haunt me. One day a few weeks ago I tripped over one of the yellow floor signs that warns the floor has just been mopped and is wet. I called housing and asked them to not leave the yellow signs out as the maintenance guy leaves them there 24/7. They NEVER LEAVE OUR FLOOR. They sit there for 24 hours on a DRY floor until he returns the next day. He still doens't remove them,... he washed the floor and leaves them there for another 24 hours.

This may seem innocent but this building is full of old people - diabled people - with walkers and wheelchairs. And those of us in walkers,... can't always SEE the signs until we hit them with our walker. I did this as I had a load of stuff on my walker and couldn't see the floor infront of me. I hit it - fell - and then just called housing to ask if they wouldntn' do this anymore. i thought this was the end of it.

But after doing my laps I noticed NOTHING CHANGED. The yellow signs were still all over the building in the middle of the floor on DRY floors. Sitting there for 24 hours never removed. A HAZARD!!! So I just took the signs as I passed them and placed them in the stairwell up against the wall where they would be out of everyones way. I thought nothing of it except I may have prevented an accident.

Today we get a memo in our mailboxes asking for the person who "stole" the yellow signs to put them back. OMG,... here we go,...

So I called houising and left a message as that woman never answeres when she sees it's me calling. So I left a message explainging I moved them for safety reasons. 

But we all know I will be reprimanded for this. I explained that the stairwells had not been cleaned in 5 months. I know as I spilled coffee in one of them between the 3rd and 4th floor on that landing. I spilled it on my birthday - September 7th. So when I do laps I noticed it never got cleaned up. ever. So after a while it became a game. See how long it stays there. IT IS STILL THERE nearly 5 months later. So this maintenencae guy never goes in the stairwells. So of course he wouldn't find the yellow signs I put in there. Instead of seeing the fault of the maintenence guy,.... they will blame it all on me. He won't be reprimanded at all - but I will probobly be given yet another eviction threat ~ or worse a real eviction.

There was no ill-intent here. just moving the signs for safety out of everyones way in the middle of the halls,.... that is all,....

But housing is going to blow this up way out of proportion and I will be reprimanded in some way shape or form.

And this is what I mean when I say i am afraid to even leave my unit. Becasue what I think is innocent ~ ends up hurting me.

I can't stay here. they are obvioulsy out to get me evicted. They didn't want me back and now that Brianne who insisted they take me back is no longer working for them - I think they just want me gone. They use there over the top rules and rtegulations to make that happen.

There is no positives in my life - only hardship.

I dont' want to be here anymore.

I actually hope I have a heart attack soon and die. My blood pressure is way too high and it is staying way too high - but no doctor and cant' even get to Service Ontario to get health coverage. And knowing I am completely alone and fending for myself has just left me ANGRY

I just hope to fucking die now as Ontario Housing is going to evict me in some way shape or form as they don't like me. Because I call them out on their bullshit. NEVER talk bad about Ontario housing or you WILL END UP HOMELESS. Thats where I'm heading I'm pretty sure after they get my call that I am the one who INNOCENTLY moved the signs for SAFETY reason.

I may as well start packing today,.... 

Noone seems to want me around. Maybe today I will have that heart attack and die. Finally leaving this world that seems to hate me.

DIE DIE DIE

It's the only way for me to find peace now

My heart is broken

Guess what I opened Facebook to again today? A fucking pop-up "Are you ok"

Obviously I am not ok. But just getting pop-ups and no help has forced me to realize I have no friends. I have noone who cares if I live or die. I screamed on facebook for help and got a fucking pop-up.

I guess thats all I'm worth 

a fucking pop up

I think it's time to leave Facebook for good. I have "friends" on there that are reading all of my desperate posts - yet noone is offering help. So that tells me they are not my friends. Just people with a morbid fascination for what what finally happens to Jacquie Holyoak. They don't really care - they're just curious.

I mean NOTHING TO ANYBODY

And that last pop-up cemented that for me.

I am fucking alone and dying and none fucking cares

I am dying,... yet noone can help me

 

My cupboards are empty. I am running low on everything. I need to get out and do a supply run. But looking at the weather, I'm not getting out until the end of January now. I have been trying to get to Service Ontario to get my OHIP reactivated but I can't. Between pain and the weather I just can't get there. And now I need groceries too,...

I honestly feel like some pioneer on the prairies in the winter. Once the snow flies,... your stuck inside. NO SUPPLIES OR MEDICAL CARE until spring. But the truth is I live in a small town with about 30,000 people. But noone can see me. I am trapped inside my unit screaming for help but noone can hear me,...

I am losing hope

I am losing motivation

I am in so much pain I can't cope

But I am invisable to this world

Every morning I take my blood pressure - it's higher than the day before. Always reminding me that time is running out!!! If i dont find a doctor and consistent care - I WILL DIE SOON!

I still can't use my hands,...

I still can't feel my right arm,...

I still can't look after myself anymore,...

I closed up my other blog for good. Noone cares about me. They are just reading it for morbid fascination. Will she die or won't she???? But noone cares enought to help. So fuck them,... (this is my other blog that TONYA HALLS my enemy neighbour reads) so all I'm doing is cutting off information to her and Darren and Mark. I'm tired of the world KNOWING I need help but noone actually helping. So no point in writing anymore.

This blog has a completely different following of people. I find this blog my followers are other mental health sufferers and therefore much kinder. So i will leave this blog open but I cut all ties to the other one. Too hurtful knowing so many people read it yet still noone cares to help,....

I'm ready to die now. I know it's coming. Noone has my blood pressure and survives,....

But I will die alone and knowing noone fucking cared to help,....

NO HELP IS COMING and I am going to die

Can you imagine how that feels????

I am dying yet i can't even get a ride to sevice ontario,...

I am going to die becasue of no transprotation and noone hearing me.

I am fucking heartbroken,....

I'm not coping anymore

The stress is literally going to kill me

I have just spent the past hour a puddle on the floor. I have nothing left. I am not coping because I can't do it anymore because I have nothing left.

I had another bad day. I won't get into it but my heater sprung a leak in my bedroom flooding my brand new carpet with whatever it is coomes out of heaters,... It's been leaking for four days so my carpet is saturated and now ruined. Once it dries out it will be all full of mildew. The day did not progress well after that.

But I know 2 things are true if I am to survive.

I need to get the fuck out of Fergus and this building and Ontario Housing,.....

And if I don't get a doctor I will be dead before my vacation even gets here.

I can't fight anymore. My body has given up,... my soul is broken and all I do is cry now. I have nothing left.

what the fuck is wrong with this world

when you cant get to a dcotor to save your life

The only help I am getting,

 is if I pay out of my own pocket. 

and that is never going to happen

Not when all i need is a fucking ride to sevice ontario

this province thinks everyone is rich and has cars 

but we dont 

we are poor 

and cant access help

so need help with rides

I am going to die because I can't get to sevice ontario

I

am 

going 

to 

die 

becasue 

I

dont' 

have

a

ride

And this town has NO transportation

No buses

and ONE taxi that is always already in use

I am going to die

for lack of a ride